I will go through the fire if you want me to

Today I felt this sudden onset of homesickness for Yap. Nothing really seemed to trigger it. I started thinking about my home there and the friends I had made. I keep thinking about how God has lead me through some pretty hard times including this one. Just because I’ve made it through the last few things doesn’t mean it’s easy from now on though. I think that God must keep allowing us to go through things to show us something. He wants us to keep growing, to keep learning. I know that there must be some more hard things ahead too. But I think I can handle it. I know with God I can. He’s so great; He’s so awesome. I want to do everything for him. I feel really confused sometimes when I’m not sure what he’s doing, or what I should do. All I can do is trust and ask him to lead my choices.

I really like the lyrics to this one song called, ‘If you want me to’. I would listen to it sometimes when things were really hard in Yap. It made me feel better.



The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way that I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If you want me to

So, I was listening to it again. It’s so true. I’m not who I was, and it’s not easy; and I wouldn’t have chosen it this way, but I’m not alone. If I choose my own way, then I really will be alone. I might have friends and family then too but it’s worth nothing if I can’t claim my loving friend Jesus who has given me everything.

I’ve been having a hard time getting back into a routine and such with God. It’s kind of hard when the rest of your life doesn’t have a routine as well. I’m working on it, and He’s always waiting. I’m looking forward to the things God will do in the next round of hard times. The hard times are what really push us. If everything is always easy things can have a tendency to become stale. They don’t always but I think it’s common. We can praise God for the easy times though because they give us time to catch our breath.

I think sometimes it’s important to not always opt for the easiest option if it’s available. It’s good to take challenging opportunities. We might not think we can do it and maybe we’re right. But by trying we find out what God can do with us. Even if we don’t succeed we can still take the experience and learn. Learning is the most important part. Other people can gain something from what we’ve learned when we share it with them. If I could go back knowing about how things would happen, I'd do it again.

Upon returning, I've started adjusting

So, I’m over jet lag, finally. I helped out at the Academy for about a week so that I could learn some names and become familiar to the students before I start in January. It was great! I talked to the science teacher and he said that I could teach some classes for him sometime. I also got recruited to be the assistant gymnastics coach. I’m super excited about that because I kind of missed being in gymnastics.

My eating habits suffered while I was at the academy though. I started drinking coffee every morning with the head dean and would randomly make a ramen noodles and eat them along with dorm store candy and snacks. I gave in a few times to non-vegan items as well but they were usually things like, a carmel apple pop, and vanilla latte powder rather than things like macaroni and cheese or alfredo sauce… I believe that all of these poor dietary choices have contributed to the adverse health I am now experiencing. Blechgh… I feel awful. I basically have this nagging cough that makes me sound like a dragon that is unable to blow fire but continually attempts at to do so. My sinuses are draining too. Anyway, I think it will be gone very soon because I have places to go.

The over all experience so far from being back has been interesting. Yap feels like this distant memory and all that happened there was just a blip in time. I felt guilty for leaving for a while but realized that it was not something that God was causing me to feel and after asking him to help me get rid of it I did gradually feel much better. I talked to a lot of people about what happened there and it was therapy in itself to talk so much about it.

Over the next month I will be jumping around, visiting family and friends until I start at WA. I’m essentially living out of my suitcase and it’s very uncomfortable because I don’t have a routine. I feel kind of pointless without that routine and am very much looking forward to starting in January. There is hardly any motivation to start anything that I need to do because I won’t be able to finish it right now. I spend a lot of time aimlessly wandering between my kitchen and my computer… that is not a good habit to start.

I will stop complaining now. :)

So, I noticed something interesting when I was visiting WA. About a half of the girls seem to be pre-occupied with sex (and or things related to it) and or putting other classmates down so they feel better about themselves. They are indeed like walking hormones and they don’t know how to handle themselves. I didn’t notice either of these things when I was in Yap. (I did a little but it’s nothing compared to this) I’m wondering if this is just an effect of the American culture or is this normal? I don’t remember it being that bad when I was in high-school, but then again, I was very naïve. A few of the girls started opening up to me and I have a good feeling about next semester. It’s like I’m the big sister of 40 girls. They all think I’m awesome because I’m older than them but not too old, haha.

When I reference people from now on I don’t think I’ll use their names anymore and I won’t be posting pictures of them when referring to them. I think it’s safer that way. There is this one girl that has been telling me a lot but I think she’s making about half of it up. I’m thinking that maybe she believes that in order for people to care about her life it needs to seem like it’s really messed up. I’m hoping she overcomes this.