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So, I'm home and recovering from jetlag. I plan on writing a more lengthy blog later and then I'll probably stop for a while. Just a heads up.

Finally, some peace

So, a lot has been happening. Only four days have passed. I can not get enough sleep and my head hurts most of the time. I’m feeling quite exhausted. I have been really struggling with the decision to stay or leave. My first question was, “how are we going to start teaching again?” Raian, the registrar, said that each person has to decide what they are capable of. Kristen, the first grade teacher, had pretty much made up her mind already, and Olivia was strongly toying with the idea. How could I keep going if three of my apartment mates were gone? They were my support. I felt like I wanted to go home too. I was not sure though.

What would I do if I came home? Would I get a job? Would I go back to school? Almost out of nowhere an idea popped into my head. I knew that Wisconsin Academy might still need an assistant girl’s dean. They never really were able to find one and I think they had to struggle this semester with many people subbing in. I could come and take the place and could help tutor the students in science and my experiences here would be a way to teach the students things about God and I could be there for them. I was very excited about the idea.

I changed my mind again a little later and decided almost one hundred percent that I could not leave. I did not care how I felt. I thought, “My students are more important than what I feel, they are confused about this too. What I want doesn’t matter. I can over come this. I can make it.” I felt this way for about a day.

Then something else happened. I never mentioned the deaning idea to anyone besides the other girls. I received an email from the head girl’s dean at Wisconsin Academy. She said that they needed someone to dean and would love it if I came and took the place if I really did decide to come home. Still I didn’t want to jump at the idea because I felt that I’d be acting on my emotions rather than real sound intellect.

Kristen (not to be confused with Kirsten who just passed) informed us that there were students from other colleges that were volunteering to drop everything and come out here to replace any teachers that needed to leave. What a sacrifice! I thought, “Well this could be an answer to prayer.”

Honestly the first day or two I didn’t really pray. I was just hurting. I didn’t know what to say, or how to ask, or what to ask. But that is why I truly love the verse Romans 8:26. It says, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

God did not plan for this to happen. It was not in his will. It was not his doing. This was Satan’s work, for we are in an ongoing battle here; the greatest Controversy of the ages. God does allow certain things to happen. I cannot say I know why He allowed this to happen. It has been an agonizing few days. I do know, however, that God can work through this to make something good come out of it. It is true that all things can and will work together for good to those who love God.

Yesterday we had a memorial service for Kirsten. The church was packed and overflowing. The whole island is shocked at what has happened and they are mourning with us. Within a few hours the whole island had found out about the incident and everyone I meet offers their apologies to us.

During the memorial a message was presented. It was said like this: We have a hope, for Kirsten knew Jesus. She had a relationship. When our King finally returns and calls all the faithful from the grave she will be there. She will be in that group. If we are also faithful we can know that we will see Kirsten again and will be able to rejoice with her again. She is at peace right now. She is not feeling any pain or sadness. Her soul is on pause in a sense until the last battle has been won. True she is dead, but Ecclesiastes 9:5 tells us along with other references from the Bible that ‘the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing.’ We as believers have this hope.

That night I resolved that I would take a couple weeks to decide what to do. I thought that I should at least try staying here and then make a choice. So, the next morning I talked to the missions chaplain from Andrews University. I explained to him all that I had been feeling. I felt like I have been pressured by many people to stay for my students because I had made a commitment to come here. Many others have been saying that they would understand whatever I decided. I couldn’t think about it anymore. I was and still am just nearly worn out from thinking about this. He talked to me about a lot of things and advised me that he thought I should come home and not wait. It is true that I could stay and I’d make it but it would also mean that I could come back being completely exhausted mentally, spiritually and physically. It would take longer for me to recover from that.

I have a tendency to take on as many things as I possibly can especially when I stressed out. I think I need to learn where my boundaries are. I have limits. I learned that here and should be able to put it to practice. I finally gave in. I let go of my desires to please people. I agreed to come home on the next available flight. I felt this new peace. My students will miss me but they will be fine. They get used to new teachers every year. They love me and I them but me leaving will not end their world. New teachers will come. Instead of making people less likely to come to Yap, this incident has made more people consider coming to Yap. So many have offered to help fill in for teachers that need to leave.

I am one hundred percent sure that I was led here. I know God had a purpose. So many things have gone wrong here this year yet the group of people has been exceptionally close knit and devoted to the purpose here. This thing has happened nevertheless, and now I think that in many of our lives God has rearranged his plans even though this was not his original. I feel that this deaning opportunity is kind of an open door into a new way I can serve. I have learned by being here that people are the same wherever we go. Cultures and languages may differ but at the very core we are all people. Being a missionary does not mean ‘one who goes to a different country’. It means ‘one who is willing to sacrifice self to help others know the love of God.’ I know that I will always have the spirit of a missionary.

I’m coming home either this Wednesday or the next depending on when the flight can be made. Olivia and Kristen are also returning home. This has not totally sunk in yet. Sometimes I feel like I must be over it because I actually feel quite happy but then I crumble apart again for random reasons. Some times over the last few days have not been sad or stressful at all and I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be hard to stay; but I know that once normal life settles in again it will be so hard. The days where I’m crabby and tired and stressed will be extremely difficult. It is then that I think I would begin to break. If I stay where my mind expects to see Kirsten I will be repeatedly reminded of her absence and the ordeal that she had to go through.

We loved Kirsten. She was an amazing person. She was selfless and joyful. She always had a song in her head and would be singing. She sacrificed a lot of her time for each of us. She loved to cook. Most of our supper meals were prepared by her and she loved it. I will miss lying in bed and chatting before we sleep. We would giggle and also share our dreams and hopes. We have all gained something from having known her. She was like the ‘mom’ of our group. She seemed to be the glue. I can still hear her laugh and I can still see her prancing around the apartment on her toes. I look forward to laughing with her again someday.

I’m coming home. I feel some sort of relief.

I will continue the blog. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to leave it because I still would be serving for the rest of the year. It will instead be in a different place. I will still be a volunteer and will receive a small stipend for living expenses. There will be many stories to come I’m sure.

I know that many of you are wondering what exactly happened with Kirsten. If you do not wish to know, then stop reading now. I’ll briefly summarize it and then end.
Apparently there had been a man stalking the school for the last year. The police knew about it but could not arrest him because he never did anything. It is possible that he knew Kirsten’s jogging routine and chose a day to act. Kirsten was found near the road almost in the jungle. Her clothes had been removed and she had several stab wounds. Several of my students had been in the search party. They weren’t actually supposed to go as far as they did without supervision. They did though and the sight of her caused many of them to go into shock. Please pray for them that they are not physiologically scarred for the rest of their lives. The police arrested the man that day and with the help of the FBI were able to come to an almost sure conclusion that it was him. They came many times to ask me questions about Kirsten because I had roomed with her. Finally today it was confirmed that is was indeed this man. He has confessed. I’m not sure at this point where he will be kept.

Sad news

Thursday morning at 11:00 am my roommate was confirmed dead. Kirsten had gone for her early morning run and did not return. She was found five hours later on the side of the road. Someone had killed her. I’m not going to go into all the details because I don’t know all of them yet. Please pray for her friends and family. Her family is deeply hurt but are encouraged by the promise that they will see their daughter when Christ returns. Kirsten loved Jesus with all her heart. She was an amazing young woman. We loved her. Many of us are trying to decide what to do at this point. Will we stay here and finish our work or will we come home? I don't know what to do yet. Your prayers are appreciated as always. I don't want to abandon my students and this school but at the same time how can I stay when my family here is being broken apart? How can I start teaching again on monday? Kirsten is gone and two others may be leaving too. If I leave the high-school will most likely shut down for the year because there is no replacement science teacher. I'm feeling numb and confused but am ok. Any encouraging words or advice would be appreciated also

Nadine

I'm becoming really terrible about blogging. I think of things to say and then I just don't get around to saying it. One thing I did want to say though was about one of my students. I'll call her Nadine rather than tell you her real name. She was asking me a question about something and the subject came up about my family. I was telling her about how I didn't grow up with a Dad and such and she started telling me about her family life. It was really weird because she was smiling the whole time like it didn't really feel horrible. She said that her Mom and Dad fight a lot but stay together because of the kids. She said that her Dad drinks a lot and used to hurt her Mother when they were younger. I felt like I should say something so that she could change things in her life. All I could think of was to tell her that she doesn't have to marry someone who is like her Father. She said, 'you can't escape what your family is like and that what it is now is what it will be later for you.' I told her 'no, that's so not true, you do have control over how your life goes. You don't have to marry someone like that. You can find an amazing person that will not treat you that way.' She seemed encouraged, especially after I gave her an example from my own experience about not just accepting something but actually changing it even when it was really hard. I just pray that things in her life can improve. She does pretty poorly in school but she wants to improve and I can see her effort. She is a gem. Please pray for Nadine.

It's ok to turn down a position when it's too much

The high-school has a Students Association or ‘SA’ which is an elected group of students that organize events and are leaders in the school. The principle asked the members to chose a sponsor to oversee them and he informed me on Friday that they had chosen me. My first reaction was ‘What? No, why was I not asked if I was willing to do this?’ I asked Principal if it was ok to be SA sponsor and also High-school administrator. He said ‘There’s no problem with that’. I wanted to complain so much but I just left.

The next day I was talking with Anna about planning AY. I was super stressed out and then it all came out. I didn’t want to be the sponsor, I couldn’t do it. It was too much. It’s not fair that there are four high-school teachers but only one is delegated to do everything. So she helped me realize that I don’t have to accept the position. I can decline the nomination. I am so relieved. They will have to choose someone else as I have enough to worry about already.

I didn’t complain at first because I thought, ‘I’m here to serve, I’ll just do it.’ But if we have so much on our shoulders that we can’t do what we have in a good way, then how are we really being of service? So tonight I will tell him that I can’t do it and it will be ok.

Learning things

There have been a couple of times now when I’ve thought an idea of another teacher was a bad one upon first impression. Later on however, I found that the idea was a complete success. The first time was when Sterling, who is in charge of Pathfinders (kind of like an Adventist version of boy/girl scouts), wanted to have the students learn marching. They learn different commands and do things in formation together. I thought they wouldn’t like it and would have a hard time paying attention; perhaps because I myself wouldn’t like it very much. But to my surprise they loved it. They had learned a lot in years previous and picked it up again like that had being doing it everyday. They were marching around and having a great time trying to see if they could follow the commands of the one chosen to call them. I felt so bad for being skeptical and putting down his idea.

The second time this happened was last night. The teachers are responsible for planning AY (Adventist Youth), which is a program held for the youth on Saturday evenings. Anna came up with the idea of having the whole group go around and alternate as they read Psalms 119 (the longest chapter in the bible) and then compete in teams as they answered questions about the chapter. I thought it would be a complete flop because that book is so long and I thought it would be hard to follow and tedious to understand. It did take a while to read through it but the game part was so much fun. The questions were like (how many times was the word ‘teachings’ in the chapter, and ‘which verse talks about God’s law being ‘as sweet as honey’’. Everyone was frantically looking for answers and shouting them out. The teams were staff and students and the students won! I again felt bad for thinking and saying that it might be boring.

What I think is not always right. I knew that before but it’s been good to see that pointed out. I am so happy that I could see this. It is important to learn and realize that we don’t always have the whole perspective and can’t understand things exactly how they are all the time. I thought I knew what the students would think but I was wrong; very wrong, and I’m really glad they liked it because I ended up having a good time too.

Getting to know more students

This week I was really worried about Lesila. I don’t really know much about her. She’s very quiet and shy. She reminds me a little of myself when I was a freshman like her. I wish I could somehow get to know her but I have a hard time talking to my students when it’s not about school. I get all shy and can’t think of anything to say or ask. When they are also shy it feels kind of awkward.

I saw Lesila in the freshman classroom all alone on Thursday during lunch. She was just staring at the wall. Later when I walked by again she had her head down. I got really worried about her all of a sudden and was thinking there must be something very wrong. I didn’t talk to her though because I was afraid she wouldn’t tell me anything. I think I need to get to know her better before expecting her to confide in me. The next day I saw that she was smiling and was with some friends and I was very relieved. She even played some volleyball.

I think I need to pay attention to more of my students who are kind of just in the background. I wonder if there are any who are craving a relationship with someone like I did when I was in their shoes. I grabbed on to those relationships with teachers and cherished them. They meant the world to me and now I’m looking back on them more often in order to remember what they did so I can do the same.

Student's questions and water activites

I’m so excited because Elaine is trying so hard to bring up her grade in Physical Science and last week she was able to come out of failing. I really hope she can keep it up and get her grade at least in the C range by the time the semester ends. She really likes to put prayer requests in the box. She’s a very fun girl with a lot of energy. It’s really cool to pray for specific things for my students. I think it helps me to help them better. They are burdened about family members, classmates, friends and also with their grades and future. Some of them want real direction in their lives. Most of the prayer requests don’t come in with names on them so I just pray for the request and know that God know who wrote it. The students have so many questions about life and God. I only hope I can answer in the most truthful and honest way.

On Friday I was telling the freshmen to be careful because on Halloween there are a lot of dangerous things going on like séances and spiritualism. I wanted to make sure that they knew that these things were not fun and games but are real and deal with the devil. When we willingly participate in such things God can not come and protect us. This brought up many other topics that I tried to answer for them. There were many things that I had to say, ‘I don’t know to’, but I tried my best to help them understand the questions they had.

Today we have the day off because it’s Yap Independence Day. Yesterday we went snorkeling and there were some young girls swimming. Aila lent them one of them her mask for a while. They had never seen the reef even though they live there. They had never used a mask. It was so cool because she had such a good time. She even saw a manta ray after we had gone in. Only one wanted to try it. I offered my mask to the others but they said no. They did let me take their picture though.

Four of us went scuba diving today and it was amazing. It was the first time I have gone diving in the ocean. The reef is so cool. I got a sunburn on my face… I saw a sun star which is a star fish with a bazillion arms rather than five. There were about fifteen sharks swimming around farther into the water too. I saw so many awesome fish and also lots of crazy coral and anemones. The coral was just this huge wall. We went down to sixty feet but it just kept going down down down! We were told it went down two hundred feet. What an amazing world it is down there. What an amazing God. I think wonder and amazement is an important part of worship.