Love, Kirsten book / one year ago...Yap

I just finished reading this book: (click picture for more info)

I wasn't really all that anxious to read it really. You know... i was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to relive it. I knew most of the story. But, there were some things that I did not know that were good to know.

The book brought back images so familiar yet so distant. I can see the places in my mind and can even smell the smells and I long to relive them. Even the hot sticky air has a place in my heart.

I look back on last year with memories that seem like a distant... fairytale. Did it all really happen? Was I actually living on a little island with wonderful people and students and wildlife and... everything there is to the island of Yap? Exactly one year ago I was teaching roughly 60 students. I miss them. I miss Yap. God is so good. I am so thankful for my experiences there. I'm so blessed that God chose to use me in such a place.

I look forward to meeting Kirsten again. Her life touched so many and yet her death is still touching people. I'm not really sure what else to say about this but I thought I should say something. After all it's been just about a year since she died. It's a lot to ponder.

I've learned a lot... this year has proven to be of much growth.

Letters

I wish everyone wrote letters to each other. As much as I wish we all did this I struggle to with following through with it. This past week I sent out about six letters which is pretty good. My list of newly acquired addresses is at about fifteen. I really should write to them all. I think once I do this I can sit back and wait for replies and just continue with this most predictably smaller number of people. Then perhaps I can send one out at random to those that do no reply in hopes of converting them to the letter writing kind.

Writing letters is somewhat romantic even if there is no love interest involved. By romantic I don't really mean passionate, tender, or affectionate but more particularly charming, picturesque, lovely, visionary, fabulous and idealistic.

Imagine what your friendships would be like if everyone wrote letters... like if every time you thought of a friend or family member, you wrote a quick note to them and dropped it in the mailbox? It doesn't have to be long and tedious, just a simple reminder of 'hey, I thought of you today when I saw a cardinal fly across my path on the way to astronomy class.' Why don't we send each other delicious recipes that we've found or magazine articles that peaked our interested and would also spark a smile into someone elses day?

Instead of doing this sort of thing I know in the recent past I would post something on facebook hoping that someone would read it and then exclaim how awesome they thought it was too. That's much less personal though, than sending it to someone in particular and better yet in a sealed envelope with your very own handwriting scrawled out between classes.

I wish we were all more sincere and interested in each other. Not in such a way that we stalk each other by anonymously clicking through profiles and pictures, but by showing an interest and then letting that person know we care, and are there.

So, I'm attempting this very thing that I wished we all did in hopes to start a new trend of sorts at least among those that I know. I don't feel like writing to anyone in particular at the moment. But I will not give up. It's been a week. It's too early to expect a letter in return. I don't' expect very many, but I know I'll get at least a few.

Letters are so charming.... They have the ability to melt away negative feelings and thoughts. Someone took the time and effort to make contact with you in a less convenient but oh so personal fashion. That's love...
I think I will write one or two right now after all.

Dandelion Dining

This afternoon I tried two recipes with dandelion flowers. Dandelions are very nutritious. It's amazing what you can find in your own lawn... We should really be eating more of them. The greens are full of vitamin A, B's and C as well as iron potassium and zinc and are helpful in liver and kidney health. The flowers are an excellent source of lecithin which is great for brain health.



Dandelion Flower Cookies

1/2 cup oil (I used grapeseed)
1/2 cup honey
2 eggs (or egg replacer)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup unbleached flour (I used whole wheat)
1 cup dry oatmeal
1/2 cup dandelion florets

Go out and pick a boatload of dandelion heads. Well, almost a boatload. It took me a good hour to get enough. You only want the yellow and white part so you have to pick off the green bottom of the flower. Hold the florets with one hand and pinch the green flower base very hard with the other, give a little twist and it comes right off. You don't have to be super perfectionistic with it but the less green the better as it has a bitter taste.

Preheat oven to 375°F. Blend oil and honey and beat in the two eggs and vanilla. Stir in flour, oatmeal and dandelion florets. Drop the batter by teaspoonfuls onto a lightly oiled cookie sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes. Let cool and eat.

They were very delicious. I think I would probably half the oil next time. It really doesn't need so much in my opinion. Maybe try half the oil and honey, and add 1/2 cup apple sauce instead. hmm.... It makes 24 cookies at 92 calories each if you follow the above recipe.

I also made:

Dandelion Jelly

2 cups dandelion petals
2 cups water
1 cup sugar
2 tsp lemon juice
2-4 tsp pectin

1. Bring 2 cups water to boil and add dandelions. Boil 10 minutes over medium heat.
2. Strain dandelions and return liquid to pot.
3. Add sugar, lemon, and pectin, then bring to boil again before reducing heat to a simmer. Stir with wooden spoon until syrupy. This may take little time or lots of time, depending.
4. Pour into sterilized jars, seal, and process in hot water bath for 10 minutes. Or you can just refrigerate and eat within a couple weeks. It makes about one pint.

I'm not sure if I added enough pectin or not... I'm still waiting for mine to set, but it still tastes pretty good. It's supposed to be kind of like jellied honey.

I quit facebook

So, I really don't want to spend too much time on this topic because it has taken too much of my time already, however, I would like to make a list of points about it. Facebook and I kind of had a love/hate relationship. I couldn't help checking it all the time but, I HATE FACEBOOK!

• It had me roped into checking it probably 20 times a day. I couldn't even eat breakfast in the morning without checking it. It's like mind control.
• I don't need to know every detail about peoples lives. Yes, many of them are very interesting but most is very trivial and I could be filling my mind with things of greater depth.
• I didn't feel quite comfortable anymore about browsing through countless pictures/profiles of people whether i know them or not. This is because I subconsciously formed ideas about them which isn't really fair.
  
• I found it a bit interesting how when I stated that I was leaving, that many people said they would miss my posts. Granted, that's cool to know that people liked them... but most of those people rarely commented on them. I didn't know they liked them until I said I was leaving. (I know I did the same thing: quietly browsing around liking and disliking without anyone knowing. Feels a bit like a secret agent... hehe. Or rather like someone looking through a telescope from a window to peer into the lives of people that have no idea. Why are people (also myself) so ready to open their lives open to the world?

• Facebook for me had become kind of like a machine I would go to to receive self affirmation. I would tell myself that it didn't matter if I didn't get comments on my posts but deep down I was a little disappointed and so, I would try harder the next time to be more clever, or enlightened with my posts. But why do I need to have someone commenting and liking everything I say? I don't. I don't need to be self affirmed... I'm loved more than I can know by my God in heaven. It really doesn't matter what the facebook world thinks about what I say.
  
• Before i left several people said, 'just limit your self to checking it once or twice a week.' Well, if I could have done that I would have, but I couldn't which is the number one reason why I left.
• Facebook somehow knew random information about me like what I liked, worried about and where I've been and would advertise things based on my internet history and more. When you sign up for facebook you grant it the permission to search out information about you from other sources so they can build a monopoly based on your life.

The people of this generation (myself included) are pretty much addicted to gadgets, screens technology. But why? I wish it wasn't this way. Does anyone else out there long for a more wholesome, real life? What happened to the beauty of simplicity?

Haggai 1:5-9 seems to be fitting to the way that many people use the internet/media/technology.

Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways!
⁶ “ You have sown much, and bring in little;
You eat, but do not have enough;
You drink, but you are not filled with drink;
You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm;
And he who earns wages,
Earns wages to put into a bag with holes.”

⁷ Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways! ⁸ Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build the temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified,” says the LORD. ⁹ “You looked for much, but indeed it came to little; and when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why?” says the LORD of hosts. “Because of My house that is in ruins, while every one of you runs to his own house.

We are to be the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit but how can the Holy Spirit live in us if we can't even tear ourselves away from the drama/lives/affirmation of others? We could be using the time we put into our computers into other things such as meeting people in real life, going for walks, getting into nature, making art, experimenting with food, inviting people over just to talk, telling God about what's on your mind, focusing on what really matters.

We need to be focusing on how to make our lives somewhere that the Holy Spirit can live continually instead of only once a week. Instead of running to the things that interest us in the moment why not run to the one that has our interest continually on His mind?

So much of what we do on facebook is simply pointless. I realize that it's not all trivial. A lot of good can come from it. But for me, the good is does not weigh enough compared to the bad. I've had enough, of the mind numbing droll of facebook, and I feel.... liberated. :)

So, I know that a lot of what I've just said might be blown way out of proportion as moderation is key to a lot of things, but for me, moderation wasn't enough. I need to sever the ties for good. Goodbye facebook, Hello real world.

Zeke is free

So, I was riding home on my bike and I for some reason took a different route. I was almost home when I saw this baby bird on the sidewalk all crumbled up and ready to die. I stopped and picked it up and took it home right a way. I went out to the store and bought some baby bird formula and oh was he hungry! I kept feeding him and found that he was a little chipping sparrow. I know it's illegal to have wild birds in your home but I couldn't just let him die. I drove by the same place later that day and found his brother dead on the cement. That could have been him too. Anyway, so I kept feeding him and he grew and developed such beautiful colors and feathers. He learned to fly quite quickly and I had to keep an eye on him all the time. Even as a sparrow he is just darling. His name is Zeke. On Tuesday I brought him to my local nature center and they will continue raising him and make sure he figures out how to eat bird seed and then set him free to fly all he wants and meet other sparrow friends. :) I'm thankful that God made sparrows and that I had a chance to be a part of this ones life. The memories will always make me smile. :)

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? and not one of them shall fall on the ground without your Father:

but the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

I think this is such a cool verse. God cares for the sparrow, He love the sparrow, He knows each sparrow that falls. Our amazing God loves us so much. He not only knows how many hairs we have but he even gives each hair a number. Just think, the hairs that fell out in my comb this morning may have been number 300 or 543 or 789 but God knows. Hairs don't really seem to be that big of a deal but He knows everything else about us just as much if not more intimately! We have nothing to fear with our God. I am so happy I am privelaged to serve him and that He is patient with me and works to improve my character each day. God is so good! :)

I need not cry

I hate the Devil
He does not care
He’ll lure you in
Then crush your face and heart

His joy is my anguish
And this disfigurement
My God will conquer you
Devil, just you wait

My God can pull me out
From those slimy fingers
I need not cry…
My God will hold me close.

I need not cry...

Last Post

I’m finally getting around to my last blog. I’ve been putting it off if you didn’t notice. Blogging was good especially because it helped me to express what I was going through and now I can go back and see how the experiences were and perhaps learn even more from them later.

So, after graduation I moved out of the dorm. My experience at WA is finished. I will miss the girls. Just as I started to really bond with many of them I had to leave. I am both glad and sad. It’s rather bittersweet.

Things that I have noticed now that I’m through are that I’m a more confident person. By stepping out of my comfort zone and away from the familiar I developed a sense of service and willingness to be more vulnerable for God.

I think when we become content sticking with the norm it’s easy for our lives to become stale. By pushing the boundaries of what we once thought we couldn’t do we become aware of God’s amazing power to do things in our lives whether that be in helping us to grow or guiding others in their journey to know God and follow Him.

Through it all it’s all His doing. We can’t take any credit. I can’t take any credit, for deep down, I’m truly a mere child; scared, naïve, inexperienced, and fragile. God is my source for anything good. Through Him I am brave, and strong, and I thank Him for taking my life this year and using it for something. I won’t know exactly what He’s done until He brings us home to heaven but I want Him to continue doing what He’s been doing far into the future and with even more fervor than before.

This year has truly changed my life. The process of planning, getting ready going, and recovering has been just under two years. I can scarcely believe it. I wouldn’t give up the experience for the world.

I have changed my major and plan on becoming a high-school science teacher. I haven’t decided if it will be in the private or public program. In whatever it is I hope to inspire a love of God in my students as well as a deep awe for what he has created. I realize this will be harder in the public system but God is good and has ways of working.

I still keep in touch with a few of my students and hope not to lose contact. I want to know how their lives progress.

I want to thank everyone for their support, prayers, and wishes.

This will be the last time I will notify everyone of blogs. I don’t really plan on blogging much in the future but may now and again, so feel free to check back at your leisure.

Everyone can be a missionary. All they need is a willing heart and God will use that where ever they are. It is my prayer that everyone will acquire the heart of a missionary.

In closing, I want to say, what an adventure!!! I am so happy about it. Below is a song that I wrote in the last week or so. It’s with the ukulele I bought in Yap. It’s about coming to God completely open asking him to lead everything. This year has been a testimony of the good and the bad and how God can use both for His glory.

End events

I'm tired. Tired of blogging. I think whatever I am feeling is equivalent to what the seniors must be feeling. Senioritis. Struggling to keep up the effort to push to the end. Longing to be finished.

Let's see, in the last month we've had spring concert, gymnastics homeshow and spring picnic. One thing that I really liked about spring picnic was interacting with the students. I kind of missed a lot of that coming at second semester. All the fall activities had already happened where staff and students get to know each other. I brought out my ukulele and let some of the students play it and also taught them a little about how it works. They thought it was really cool. If I teach at an academy I think I'm really going to enjoy being a class sponsor and getting to know the classes. That is one thing I really missed about Yap. I wasn't really a part of the students lives so much. I could see it starting to happen near the end. It seems like now I am just starting to feel comfortable with them and now it's over.

Below are some pictures from spring picnic. It was scorching hot that day, but a lot of fun. Last weekend was amateur hour, the yearly talent show. It was a great success. Many students sang and played their hearts out and I played the ukulele. That little instrument has turned out to be the best thing I bought in Yap. I was reluctant to spend my money on it. I wondered if I would actually keep up with it or get tired of it and let it collect dust. I can't always tell when I want to buy something. It turned out to be a great blessing. It reminds me of Yap and the memories I have. It also gives me a leverage to share about my experiences there and how God has worked.
It was really fun to play for people. I had never sang a solo up front before. I think it would be fun to do it more often. I think it's easier to play up front if you have a connection with your instrument. Piano didn't really do it for me.

One weekend the Dean and I made donuts for the girls. They were very hard to perfect and ended up being laden with grease but the girls seemed to appreciate them and I ate a few too many as well...

Our fish tank in the dorm has been really cool. One of our cichlids ended up having babies and I was telling the girls all about how cichlids take care of their young. They keep them in their mouths until they are big enough to swim on their own. This helps the babies breath and get enough nourishment. Some were grossed out, and some would ask me questions about it, eager to know why it happened that way. I felt like I was in the classroom again. It was very cool.

I'll be posting one more official blog I think to kind of sum things up a bit, Then that will be it for the updates.

Weekend, Spring, Content, Realization

Early this weekend the academy was hosting music fest which is a weekend where elementary students come from all over the state to participate in a singing clinic. Saturday afternoon there was a concert put on by all music students including our own. It was very nice. There were so many visiting students that there were 85 girls needing a place to stay. We were able to stay within fire code with only around 40 of the girls in the new dorm and the rest stayed in the gym and used beds that we had been using in our previous makeshift dorm. It was a very tiring few days because these elementary girls were loud and often disrespectful. They’re at the age when they’re beginning to become their own person. I am glad I don’t plan on teaching elementary school. That is all I will say.

Students took today as an opportunity to lay out on the grass and just hang out side. Spring has been welcomed with open arms. I went with several girls on an afternoon walk and we cut through a grassed corn field path to get back. I noticed a little mole as he scampered into a new hiding place after we had startled him. Frogs were happily singing away and I could see evidence of all the earthworms that have started unearthing bits of fresh soil.

Right now I’m typing as study hall is under way and the dorm is very quiet. I think everyone is tired and glad for things to be back to normal again. I was mopping up a mess in the laundry room a few minutes ago and I was thinking that I’m feeling a quiet, content feeling. I’m not worried about anything; just simply here and glad to be breathing. It’s rather refreshing.

I’ve come to a realization. It’s been gradual and I’ve understood it long before now but now it’s actually become a point in my brain. That is, that we need to put our utmost best into each encounter with every person. I’ve had opportunities to talk with many of the girls on an individual basis or in a small group and they have turned out to be really cool conversation about who they were and what they are going through. At the time it seemed like we were really connecting but then very often that time turns out to be the only opportunity with them in that way. And so, if I had been crabby that day and let myself be short or uninterested in them in that moment, I would have lost my opportunity.

I had a goal at the beginning of the semester to somehow take interest in each girl in the dorm and get to know them each individually. I have not really done that to the degree that I was anticipating. I’m not sure if it’s possible now that I really think about it. Each person needs different sorts of people to reach them. I do think though, that an impact can be made even if it’s only the slightest. For some girls I know I have made some sort of impact and on others it’s only been slight. But whatever size the impact is, it is extremely important that we treat each other with abounding love and patience. We should be interested, and listen the best we can, not just because that is how we want to be treated, but because each person deserves to experience such love.

Whether it’s been multiple times or only once, I cherish the short moments when I’ve connected with these girls.

So, this is not particularly related to deaning.

Yesterday, I finished reading The Great Controversy. I started reading in Yap around September. I read it almost every day in Yap, then took a two month break and then started up again. So minus the break time, it took about six months. It's a very long book, with a lot to think about. It starts out discussing the infant Christian church and follows it through the ages discussing the hardships and victories that it encounters. It ends with scenes of bright light and glorious love as our redeemer, Jesus Christ, finally conquers sin forever.

We are in this great controversy at this very moment and have been for the entirety of our lives. Earth is an invisible battle ground where angels and people alike are striving to overcome. The people and angels are of two classes. One class follows the living God, and the other, whether by denial of the all wonderful love of God or by open acceptance, follows the great deceiver, the devil himself.

This year has had many controversial moments. This life has had many controversial moments as I'm sure everyone reading this can also relate. Life here is not easy. Through it all I can say that I am tired, ready to go home to that place and be with my God.

Reading the last portion of the book was a not quite how I expected it to be. Reading of how the wicked of the earth will be put to death was not a pleasant thought. Yes, they will die and finally feel no more hatred or agony of the sin they have chosen, but part of me was very sad, for I wanted to do something to show them their wrong. Why did they chose sin when they had every opportunity to choose God? The answer to this question is a mystery, just as it is a mystery that one man could cover all our sins to free us. Both sides of the spectrum brings questions.

If sin could be explained, it would no longer continue to be sin. It would be justified, validated, and advocated of which it is not. Why would a perfect being first sin? If we knew why, the reason would make it acceptable, but it isn't. By witnessing the atrocity of sin played out in its entirety we will be able to grasp those concepts so hard to realize.

In each of our lives God allows just enough uncertainty for us to doubt but also just enough reason to believe. We are then put into a position where we must, either deliberately or by avoidance, choose to doubt the love of God or cling to it with all our strength. Evil angels and godly angels battle to win us to their side, but ultimately this choice is ours.

After pondering all this over yet again, I was overjoyed to read the last several paragraphs:

There the redeemed shall know, even as also they are known. The loves and sympathies which God Himself has planted in the soul shall there find truest and sweetest exercise. The pure communion with holy beings, the harmonious social life with the blessed angels and with the faithful ones of all ages who have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, the sacred ties that bind together the whole family in heaven and earth - these help to constitute the happiness of the redeemed.

There, immortal minds will contemplate with never-failing delight the wonders of creative power, the mysteries of redeeming love. There will be no cruel, deceiving foe to tempt to forgetfulness of God. Every faculty will be developed, every capacity increased. The acquirement of knowledge will not weary the mind or exhaust the energies. There the grandest enterprises may be carried forward, the loftiest aspirations reached, the highest ambitions realized; and still there will arise new heights to surmount, new wonders to admire, new truths to comprehend, fresh objects to call forth the powers of mind and soul and body.

All treasures of the universe will be open to the study of God's redeemed. Unfettered by mortality, they wing their tireless flight to worlds afar - worlds that thrilled with sorrow at the spectacle of human woe and rang with songs of gladness at the tidings of a ransomed soul. With unutterable delight the children of earth enter into the joy and the wisdom of unfallen beings. They share the treasures of knowledge and understanding gained through ages upon ages in contemplation of God's handiwork. With undimmed vision they gaze upon the glory of creation - suns and stars and systems, all in their appointed order circling the throne of Deity. Upon all things, from the least to the greatest, the Creator's name is written, and in all are the riches of His power displayed.

And the years of eternity, as they roll, will bring richer and still more glorious revelations of God and of Christ. As knowledge is progressive, so will love, reverence, and happiness increase. The more men learn of God, the greater will be their admiration of His character. As Jesus opens before them the riches of redemption and the amazing achievements in the great controversy with Satan, the hearts of the ransomed thrill with more fervent devotion, and with more rapturous joy they sweep the harps of gold; and ten thousands times ten thousand and thousands of thousands of voices unite to swell the mighty chorus of praise.

The great controversy is ended. Sin and sinners are no more. The entire universe is clean. One pulse of harmony and gladness beats through the vast creation. From Him who created all, flow life and light and gladness, throughout the realms of illimitable space. From the minutest atom to the greatest world, all things, animate and inanimate, in their unshadowed beauty and perfect joy, declare that God is love.

Patience

I've had a dry blogging spell. I hadn't even given it much thought because things have sunk in so much. I've lately been feeling some restlessness about being just about the only twenty something on campus. Its' really starting to get to me. I enjoy exertions into town and days I see my family and friends more than ever. They mean a lot to me. I've been a little scatterbrained lately but I feel like I've been a bit distracted lately but hopefully that will end now.

Tutoring is in full swing now. I have found that even when I'm not feeling all that great, when I'm helping the students I have endless patience. I thank God for this gift. I really don't know what to say about it except that it astounds me that I can explain something and then do it again in a different way, then encourage them to try themselves and keep a calm, collected, patient, happy attitude. If I'm feeling irritated about something when I start I feel a little better when I finish. It's really astounding.

Tutoring isn't quite the same as teaching because it's on an individual level. The dynamics are very different and I didn't know much about it until I began it. I'm discovering that I like it but in a different way than teaching in a classroom. The subject matter is much more random in that I have to learn with the students because I'm not following along on a lesson plan.

I want to thank God again for the abilities He has given me to serve Him and others. The following text is Galatians 5:22-26 found in The Message Bible which is a paraphrase translation. It wouldn't be used when doing Bible study but it can be helpful and offers a clearer picture sometimes as it puts the Bible in a more literal language. I find what is says particularly nice.

But what happens when they live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way tat fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction of the holiness found in God . We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off of good - crucified.

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make suer that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implicatiosn in every detail of our lives. that means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Description on pictures

The apartment pictures are pretty self explanatory. I attached a video to go along with it. It's sort of small but I really don't need that much space when there is dorm lobby to go hang out in too.

The new dorm pictures are as follows from top to bottom : Left view of lobby with table and aquarium, also Junior wing and my apartment. Right view of lobby with couches fireplace and TV, also senior wing and window to chapel. Middle hallway down freshman sophomore wing and also head deans apartment. Kitchenette. Study room. View of boys dorm from girls dorm. Girls Dorm. There is also a guest bathroom, office (we're still waiting for our new desk), laundry room and basement with exercise equipment. It's all very homey and is a bit like living in a hotel. We are very blessed.

The study room has been getting some use now that I've started tutoring. The girls do their homework in there when I'm not tutoring as well. I like teaching better than tutoring even though they seem like the same thing. A lot of the stuff I have to learn with the students, like math and english. I've forgotten a lot, such as prepositional phrases and Algebra 2. It's cool though. I like being able to help. I enjoy explaining things so they understand. I'm also helping a girl study for the SAT even though she's only a freshman. She want's to do really well so I've started her off with some vocabulary words.

Finished Dorm!

New Apartment photos. Description to come

Getting ready to be busy

We are just finishing our spring break. I used some of my time to set up a schedule for tutoring with the girls that have down grades. I will be very busy from now on. The schedule leaves little time for free time. This is ok though. I think I will be more productive with the small amount of time that I have.

The new dorm is amazing to be in but the water tastes like sawdust... blah. I will post pictures of my apartment and the dorm once I finish unpacking. Not much else to say as we've all been on break.

Rewards of Practicing Authority

The weekend before we moved into the new dorm the head dean slept in her new apartment. So, I was on duty for the last four or so nights. Since the rooms were set up in classrooms in individual cubical like rooms everyone can hear everyone else and any lamps that are left on can be noticed by everyone. The RA was having trouble quieting a particular room down for lights out so I came in and told [lets call her] Andrea to turn off her lights and stop talking. I had to tell her three times and then she still mouthed back to me one last time. I was thinking of what I could do so that she would understand that her behavior was unacceptable. I was really at a loss of what to do because I didn’t want her to think she could walk all over me like that. So, I decided to take her phone away.

The next day (Friday) she came and told she couldn’t find her phone and I told her I took it and the reason I took it. That evening Andrea walked by the office with a friend and a swear word slipped out after she dropped something. That whole evening she was being extremely obnoxious and irritating seeming on purpose and she kept talking back to me as well.

At WA there is a policy where if a girl swears they have a worksheet to fill out about why they swore and what they can do to change, etc... There are three worksheets for three offenses and then on the fourth offense they are sent to ad-committee where further action is applied. I looked in her file and noticed that she had filled two of the three worksheets out so I gave her the last one and explained that she would go to ad-committee next time. This worksheet was almost completely blank and said, ‘In 250 words please explain the effect on other people your misuse of language has caused and explain what you can do to change.

She was very perturbed at me but twenty five minutes later she returned the paper. It had 59 words and basically said, ‘my language did not effect anyone except the dean. Her name is Katherine Miller. To change I will not talk around her ever again.’

I called her back in the office and explained that the sheet was not acceptable and asked her to try again. Another twenty five minutes later I got it back and it was not completely how I wanted it but it was better and longer, so I accepted it. I then essentially said, ‘I know it seems ridiculous that you had to fill out this paper for accidentally letting a word slip but, you can control these accidents and these worksheets will help motivate you to form better habits. I love you and want you to grow into a respectable young lady.’ I said I’d give her phone back the next day in the afternoon and she walked out without saying anything.

On Sunday Andrea came in and wanted to talk to me about something. She actually apologized about how she had been acting. She was sorry for mouthing off and disrespecting me the last few days and said she was under some stress. This was so cool! I forgave her and offered condolences for her stress. Now we’re friends again and all is well.

Love your enemies

I was reading the blog that Sterling and Alex (4th and 6th grade teachers in Yap) are keeping and they gave an account about what's been happening with the man who killed Kirsten. I'll post it here so you can read it.

The last thing we want to talk about is our visits to the prison. Over these last months, Alex and I have been talking a lot about what it means to really take Jesus up on his offers of a new life and how to walk in his footsteps. Along with the other SMs, we began thinking about the ways that we handled ourselves after Kirsten’s death. Alex and I felt that when Jesus asked forgiveness for the men who crucified him, he also gave us a challenge to forgive those who have hurt us. Not really knowing how to go about these sorts of things, we borrowed a car and drove to the police station. There we kind of sheepishly asked to talk to whoever was in charge of the jail. We were led to a back room and then spoke with the boss’s secretary. We asked if it was possible for us to meet with Justin, the man arrested after Kirsten’s death. We were informed that not even family was allowed to see him. But I guess we were politely persistent enough that they eventually took down our phone number and said they’d call us. Two weeks passed and we didn’t hear anything from the jail. Finally we manned up and called them. They again took our number and said they’d call us back. However, this time they called the next day and told us we could come! I’ll let Alex finish the story.

On the following Sunday, Sterling and I headed over to the police station to finally visit Justin. After we arrived, they had us sit down in one of the roughshod visiting booths as they went to get Justin. Not surprisingly, Justin didn’t want to see us. We left him some cookies, soap, and a towel, which they said would be delivered to him. This was surprising, since earlier we were flatly denied both seeing him and leaving him anything. God really opened doors for us. On Thursday of that same week, we left him a pithy letter and some chocolate bread.

Yesterday (Sunday), we again went to the prison. This time, Justin agreed to meet us. We sat in the booth and watched as a young man, chained hand-and-foot, shuffled up to the other side of the glass. So started our first visit with Justin. I’ll let Sterling take the reins.

Justin looked young. His hair was trimmed as well as a his beard. I don’t know why I remember this but his shirt was inside out. His fingernails were long. When I saw him, I was struck with the feeling that there was no life left in his eyes. He talked quietly and rarely looked us in the eyes. We spoke through a glass window and it was pretty hard to hear him. I didn’t know what to say so I think I asked him twice how he was feeling. We talked for a bit about his childhood and then we talked about life at the prison. Over and over, he kept saying how sorry he was. We told him we forgave him and told him about a God who promises to forgive us. We prayed twice with him and asked if we could bring him a Bible. He told us that he had read our earlier letter and had said to himself that at least now he had two friends. I don’t really know what else to say. We’ll be trying to meet with him as regularly as possible. Alex wants say some stuff to end our post now.

Alex here. In the recent weeks after Kirsten was murdered, we heard many and mixed reports about Justin and some awful things happening to him. [Edit: Some content removed.] Even in the face of tragedy, even if we are affected by terrible acts, even when the most despicable sins fall at our feet, we need to keep our heads. This is only easy to say, of course. However, what I hear disgusts me. Don’t fight fire with fire. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Pick your cliché. God calls us to be above the rest. As believers and supposed followers of Him, we need to ask ourselves:


In the face of this blatant, inhumane mistreatment, who is the real criminal?

Sterling and I saw a man who may be feeling more pain and emotion than anything I could imagine. What saddened me during our visit was not the fact that a man murdered Kirsten, but the fact that a man is seen and treated as less than human.

I am overjoyed that they have been visiting this man. I think it's just so cool! I'm not really sure what else to say about it. I think it's so true that as Christians we need to treat our enemies with love.

Luke 6:27-36

27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Matthew 5:43-48

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[b] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren[c] only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors[d] do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Please keep him in your prayers as well as Kirsten's friends and family.

Pretending with the Bestest of the Best.

On the 23rd it was my turn to speak for chapel. When I began I said a prayer and then told the students to listen very carefully. I was going to ask them some questions and expect raised hands and answers. First I read Colossians 1:12-17:

12 Give joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Who created all things? Jesus created everything. He is the creator. He created even you!

Next I read Psalms 139:13-16

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The plans of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

How are we made? Marvelously!!

How much does Jesus know about you? Everything!!

The students where doing excellent.

I asked them to think about the other things that Jesus has made. Think about the snowflakes… they are so tiny but they are so exact and perfect in the angles of each molecule. They are exquisite. Think about flowers and trees in the summer; how all the little veins on the leaves go exactly where they should so the tree doesn’t get thirsty. Even, think about things outside of nature, like when you’re playing basketball. Think of all the elastic properties in the ball that allow it to bounce and the physics behind what lets the ball come back down from the basket. Jesus made all of this! How intricate and beautiful these things are especially when we take time to look closely. These things are incredible!!

Next I had the students do something and you can too. Raise your right hand. Turn it over so the palm is facing up towards your face. Now, bring it up close enough so you can examine the tips of your fingers. Can someone please tell me what you see on the tips of your fingers? As I had anticipated, some students took this as a chance to get silly and started getting distracted, but I quieted them down and the answer was, ‘finger prints’, little ridges. These ridges help you grip things and feel things and are completely unique to you. Your fingers are just as intricate as the flowers and snowflakes and even elastic. Your entire body is just like this, inside and out, the visible pars and the invisible parts.

So, when I say the invisible parts, what do you think I’m talking about? Your very person; the part that thinks, and has wishes and thoughts, and likes and dislikes. Jesus made that too! And you are just as intricate and delicate and complex as the things we see in nature and all around us. Jesus made you! He knows you! He knows every crawlspace and corridor of you heart. He knows you more than you can even think about, more than you yourself could even try to know.

Next, I want you to think for a moment about the friends that you have that you consider to be your best friends… What qualifies them to be your best friends? Can someone give me some reasons? They go out of their way for you, they are always there for you. They know you better than just an ordinary friend. They accept you just as you are.

So, from these reasons, what can we now qualify Jesus as? Our bestest of best friends!!! What incredible news!


Do you talk to your best friends? Of course you do. That’s what friends do. So, if Jesus is our bestest of the best of all of all our friends, then what a privilege it is to talk to Him! And we can talk to Him about everything and anything and at any time!

This brings me to Philippians 4:6:

‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.’

We shouldn’t hold anything back with Jesus. He knows everything anyway, so we don’t have anything to lose. He loves us no matter what, as our best friend. Nothing will surprise Him.

Now, I think I might know what some of you are thinking, because I’ve felt it too. It can be hard to talk to Jesus, especially if it means saying more than, ‘Dear Lord, thank you for today, thank you for my food, please be with my family and friends, help me with my homework, please forgive my sins, Amen.’ Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not inherently a bad prayer, but our prayers should also go much deeper.

When you’re in a new place and you’re meeting people for the first time, what does it feel like? What are some examples? Awkward, uncomfortable, unfamiliar… Knowing that Jesus knows us super well might not make it easy at first to talk to Him. It might feel awkward, or uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. But I want you to try something the next time you talk to Jesus. Try it tonight, or tomorrow morning. Even if you feel like a complete idiot for talking to what might feel like empty space in your brain or the walls in your room. Sometimes praying out loud helps, personally I prefer this way... I want you to pretend. Pretend that you are already friends, pretend that you have known each other for years. Pretend that you go way back. Ignore the feelings of awkwardness. Even if it doesn’t feel right, just keep on pretending.

This is essentially what you do when you’re meeting new people as well. You pretend that you know each other already and then eventually, after a while you’re not pretending anymore. Now, you do know them, and now you’re being real with them. This also can happen with Jesus. Jesus already knows you. But if you keep talking to him, even if it feels artificial, it will start to become real because YOU will start to get to know HIM. You might think that is a little different because you’re the only one talking but, Jesus can talk to us. He talks to us through other people sometimes and by guiding our thoughts sometimes and also when we read His Bible. Those are a few of the many ways He talks to us. And the more you talk to Him the more comfortable you will be and eventually you will KNOW He is your friend instead of just UNDERSTANDING it. And He will mean all the world to you!

I’m telling you this because I’ve done this, and Jesus is now my everything!!

He’s my reason for getting up in the morning and living each day. He is the reason I keep going when things are extremely hard. He is the reason I have hope when I’m weighed down with sadness and even depression. Jesus is who gives my heart wings when I’m happy! His love for me is what fuels the very essence of my being…

I want each and every one of you to have that very same thing.

And so, as I close, I want to encourage you to talk to Jesus. Just try it. Please, just try it for a couple days, a couple of weeks. It can be about anything, like, ‘Jesus, so I was at the store today and I saw this guy with this crazy hair style!’ or, 'Jesus, I had a hard time sleeping last night and I really don’t want to go to school today.’ Or, ‘Lord, how does the guy with the snowplow get to work in the morning?’ or, ‘Why is it called a building when it’s already built?’ or more seriously, ‘How can I get along with so and so?’ or, ‘What should I do with my life?’

I encourage you to ask Him questions, you’d be surprised at how He answers sometimes. Often times I’ve asked Him a question and I’ve even forgotten about asking it but then sometime later I believe He’s used things and experiences in my life that’s helped me find the answer. I’m still waiting for some answers, and I’m content I’ll find them at the right time.

If you do this, you can and will get to know Jesus, even if at first you’re only pretending to know Him.

Trip to the Emergency Room

This weekend I was on duty by myself. The head dean was gone. Last night I was woken up at 2:30. One student had a stabbing pain in her abdomen and she couldn't even get out of bed without help. I took her to the emergency room. The pain began subsiding after we had been there a while. They diagnosed her with 'abdominal pain' after some tests were taken and sent her home with an 'abdominal cocktail' for pain if it came back. The name reminded me of the diner lingo you hear in movies. I wonder if hospitals ever do that. Like, instead of 'I need a blue-plate special with a french man's delight!' or 'I need a bowwow minus the breath and a pair of drawers to go for a walk!' the doctor might say to the tech, 'I got a hemo on the bucket, get me a mountain dew and an abdominal cockail! It kind of made me laugh to think about it. :)

I hope it's not something more serious and that it doesn't happen again. I was pretty worried because the pain was described as a 10, then a 6, then a 3 and then a 1. A friend of hers came with me and it was kind of fun near the end of it all to chat with them a little bit. One of them is hoping to be a nurse and the other is thinking about physical therapy. I remember trying to make those sorts of decisions. It's really interesting to hear about what they're thinking about. I'm thankful that it's a Sunday and I could sleep in after that. Let's keep the seniors in our prayers as they're making important decisions about starting their adult lives.

Lost and Found

Over all it's been a bit of a challenge for me for some reason to adjust to deaning. But over this homeleave that we just had where everyone was gone for a couple of days I had a chance to do some reflecting and praying and talking and reading. I feel as if I've been renewed in a way. I had somehow lost my missionary spirit. I don't know why, but I've found it again and I'm overjoyed. I don't really have much to say about it except that I know I'm completely depending on God again and I am assured that He's helping me and with Him I can now be a better service of others. Thank goodness, and thank God.

So, I feel like complaining

In this position there is not something that is actively expected that I do. Yes, I'm supposed to check on dorm workers and help the girls with homework and and talk with them but the rest of the time I'm only 'here' just in case. Is it normal to prefer being overworked? I like having something specific that I'm supposed to do like, 'teach these classes everyday' rather than, 'sit at a desk in case you're needed'. This job is too slow. I don't think I like deaning, but I'll still try to do my best until I move on. The interesting thing though is that the head dean is busy as a bee; but maybe that's just her personality. I like being busy. I like having a task to do.

I'm taking this time to get in shape and exercise more, and I'm doing more reading, but I miss having deadlines. There was a suggestion that I do something in the community with my extra time. Maybe I should talk to some people about what I can do there. I do think that is a good idea and I think I will look into it but the thing is though, if I'm gone doing things for the community every time I'm not on duty, which is quite often, I'm not available for the girls. It's a 'catch 22'.


If I'm busy, I don't have as much time to think. So, maybe I'm only wanting to distract myself from something. Maybe I'm supposed to feel bored and lonely so I can connect with God again, something that I've had trouble with over the last several months. I'm not doubting that God is in my life and knows what He's doing, I'm just having a hard time connecting.

So, now that I've just whined a bunch about how much I don't really like it here at the moment (I say moment, because it could change any minute as my mind does that quite often. My emotions are quite fickle.) I think perhaps I should think about what I'm thankful for. I will shoot for 10.

1. I'm thankful for what Kirsten said the last night I prayed with her: the ability to move. I've taken up exercising regularly again and it makes me feel like I have wings.

2. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about cooking food and that the cook at WA does in fact cook very healthfully. I love vegetables.

3. I'm thankful for the fact that I've come so far in my insecurities. Being in a high-school girls dorm reminds me of how I used to think and feel about myself sometimes and I'm so happy God has helped me grow out of many things.

4. I'm thankful that some of the girls feel that they can be open with me so that I can do my best to help them.

5. I'm thankful for certain friends who are willing and wanting to stay in contact with me while I'm gone. It means the world to me to feel cared about when I'm gone.

6. I'm thankful to have the assurance that God is still with me, holding me, even when I'm the one having trouble connecting, not Him.

7. I'm thankful for knee high socks and soft scarves to wrap around my face and neck.

8. I'm thankful for a family who is willing to listen to me talk about my convictions concerning God and that we are in fact free to talk about them.

9. I'm thankful for the ability to feel at all.

10. I'm thankful for the strength to embrace change whether I want it to happen or not.

11. I'm thankful for color, and for smiles, and for tears, and for flowers, and ribbons, and cats, and for paper, and for fabric, and for the way snow looks in the trees, and for crisp air, and for honey, and for the ability to be ridiculous, and for water, and for toothpaste, and for flannel sheets, and for sunshine, and scrambled tofu, and avocados, and the ukulele, and for singing, and sunsets, and for school, and for books, and for prayer.




Thank you for your prayers.

God can use you to make a difference

During church the sermon was about how we can make a difference to someone without even knowing it. The elder up front shared a story about when he visited a woman in a nursing home several times as a chaplain. She grew sicker and sicker but she would always request that he sing 'amazing grace' to her. That was her song. The short story is that she passed away and her sisters were talking to this elder and thanking him for everything he had done. The one sister recognized the elder even before meeting him. When he asked how, she said that her sister had told them everything about him, even that he wore silver tipped boots that he was wearing that day as well. They said that he had brought their sister back to Jesus, when they and no one also could. She didn't want anything to do with Him, but this elder made a difference and he couldn't believe it.

I know this happened for me in Yap. The biggest example of this occurred to me when I was leaving. Jeanna was so sad I was leaving, she was even a little angry. But then later she told me how much I had meant to her in those few months. See, she was an eighth grader and I didn't even teach her. I had just met her only a week or so ago. But she somehow thought the world of me. I didn't understand why. I think I passed her and a group of girls most days in the morning and I usually tried to be friendly but to her it meant everything. When I left she gave me a stuffed tiger, a devotional book and a note; it read:

Dear Ms. Miller
This is all I have to give you. I hope you like it. And remember what I said? That you made me a more self confident girl? Well your smile did. At first I don't really smile a lot, but when everytime I see you, you always have that smile on your face and I said, 'I want to be like her, like Ms. Miller.' For the last couple of months you somehow changed a part of me by giving me the warmest smile everyday. Thank you. I'll always remember you. And I understand the part that you're leaving. May God bless you always and your family. Hope you'll remember me too. I Love You!! Jeanna P.S. Put a smile on your face, cause you'll never know that you'll change someone's life or brighten up someone's day. Like Ms. Miller did to me...

I had no idea that I was doing this for her. I didn't even know I smiled everyday to her. I know I had many a tired and crabby mornings but apparently it did not show for her. God can use us in ways we never can imagine. We just have to be open to Him and be willing. I think one of the things I can do in the states now at WA is to just be a role model. The girls are going to be watching me because I've made it through what they're going through and I've succeeded. They will see what I've become and perhaps base their own lives on it. I'm different than the other faculty because I'm very close to age in them. I'm still a kid too in many ways and I can reach them in a way that no one can. Even if I'm not aware of it, it can happen. I can be a tool for God to use in their lives.

And even if I feel that I'm not doing much at times, I know that the fact that I can give the head dean a break is a huge thing for her too. She's been worked to death this last semester, and she does not complain. She needed a break and I can give it to her. I thank God that I can help and be of service at least in that way.

I don't really talk about Yap much anymore, but sometimes people still bring it up and it's different. It surprises me because I'm kind of like 'well, I talked about it enough, so why is it being drug up again?' I was comfortable talking about it before pretty well when it was fresh but now I really don't like it. It's interesting how I'm still dealing with it. It's like my brain sealed it all up when I got back and is now slowly releasing it in safe doses so it can be dealt with in a more healthy way than all at once. At each time I deal with another dose, I learn something new. Something is added to my character and I grow yet again in a little way.

If anything, be thankful that you are able to grow in hard times. Don't let them suffocate you but rather realize that you can take those experiences and let God change you through them to be better, to be stronger, to be an example of God's love and power.

Settlling in

I was informed yesterday that the Sophomore class in Yap (my homeroom class) officially has a teacher!! I don’t know all the details yet but a teacher arrived that replaced the eighth grade teacher so that she could be the new permanent science teacher and sophomore homeroom teacher. I’m so elated! :) Please keep Yap in your prayers and also keep Leyah in your prayers as well. She is a sophomore in Yap and her father just past away.

The past weekend Wisconsin Academy had a spiritual retreat at Camp Wakonda. Most of the school went and it seemed to really affect the students in a positive way. This past week was week of prayer and many students gave their testimonies as well.

There are several of the girls who really like to hang out in the office and talk about things bothering them and just normal things happening in their lives. Then there are others who I don’t really see much of. They’re starting to get to know me better which is good.

Many students have been on ‘social’ lately. Social is when two people can not have any contact with each other until the allotted time is over. This usually lasts at least a week. I think the main reason they are put on social is because many of them don’t know where their boundaries should be set. It’s good that they can hopefully learn more about where they should be set while they are here.

The last week has been largely spent preparing for the mother-daughter banquet which will be held this Sunday by girls club. If anything, I know that I'm helping by giving the head dean some time to finally breathe. She's been worked to death the last semester and I'm glad I can alleviate her at least a little. It's been fun.

New Start

I was not able to start at WA as soon as I thought because they wanted me to start when second semester started rather than right after Christmas break. That gave me another two weeks with nothing to do but I was pretty productive by figuring out my class schedule and such for next fall. When people think of a Missionary they think of jungles and heat and different countries. I know that this is silly to think but I wonder if it's going to be as meaningful of an experience now. I halfheartedly even believe that I'm really a missionary anymore. I even wonder why I'm still blogging. Maybe God will teach me something that will wipe that idea from my mind.

After two and a half months I am so ready to do something organized. Of course I haven’t really had a chance get used to things yet but it’s really odd to have so much free time. In Yap I never had free time, ever. Now I have a couple afternoons off and every Wednesday off and then some weekends off and home-leaves and I feel kind of idle. I have many hobbies and things that I could do during these times but it’s been so long since I’ve really had a chance to do these things that I’m sort of at a loss of how to start them. I guess I should stop thinking about it and just do it.

I will miss the responsibility I had in Yap. I am staff here but I’m not in charge really so much and I think it might be easier to sit back and not use what I have. We’ll see what happens. I hope it’s not like that.

I think what I need to do is remember what I learned in Yap. People are pretty much the same everywhere. Just because this is a familiar setting doesn’t make it any less of a place to serve. I need to pray just as hard for God to be the center of what I’m doing. I need to give just as much. I need to trust just as much.

I think one goal that I have is to get to know each girl and talk to them individually on occasion. There were many students in Yap who I didn’t know so much because they kind of blended in and there were so many to get to know. I’m going to make it a point to take interest in each one more specifically.

As a side note I want to share a verse that stuck out to me a couple of weeks ago. I was reading Matthew chapter one and verse 21 says, “And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” The underlined phrase just stands out so strongly for me. He will save His people; we are His people. He will save us. He has saved us. We are saved. We are saved and we now have life! … I just love that.