In this position there is not something that is actively expected that I do. Yes, I'm supposed to check on dorm workers and help the girls with homework and and talk with them but the rest of the time I'm only 'here' just in case. Is it normal to prefer being overworked? I like having something specific that I'm supposed to do like, 'teach these classes everyday' rather than, 'sit at a desk in case you're needed'. This job is too slow. I don't think I like deaning, but I'll still try to do my best until I move on. The interesting thing though is that the head dean is busy as a bee; but maybe that's just her personality. I like being busy. I like having a task to do.
I'm taking this time to get in shape and exercise more, and I'm doing more reading, but I miss having deadlines. There was a suggestion that I do something in the community with my extra time. Maybe I should talk to some people about what I can do there. I do think that is a good idea and I think I will look into it but the thing is though, if I'm gone doing things for the community every time I'm not on duty, which is quite often, I'm not available for the girls. It's a 'catch 22'.
If I'm busy, I don't have as much time to think. So, maybe I'm only wanting to distract myself from something. Maybe I'm supposed to feel bored and lonely so I can connect with God again, something that I've had trouble with over the last several months. I'm not doubting that God is in my life and knows what He's doing, I'm just having a hard time connecting.
So, now that I've just whined a bunch about how much I don't really like it here at the moment (I say moment, because it could change any minute as my mind does that quite often. My emotions are quite fickle.) I think perhaps I should think about what I'm thankful for. I will shoot for 10.
1. I'm thankful for what Kirsten said the last night I prayed with her: the ability to move. I've taken up exercising regularly again and it makes me feel like I have wings.
2. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about cooking food and that the cook at WA does in fact cook very healthfully. I love vegetables.
3. I'm thankful for the fact that I've come so far in my insecurities. Being in a high-school girls dorm reminds me of how I used to think and feel about myself sometimes and I'm so happy God has helped me grow out of many things.
4. I'm thankful that some of the girls feel that they can be open with me so that I can do my best to help them.
5. I'm thankful for certain friends who are willing and wanting to stay in contact with me while I'm gone. It means the world to me to feel cared about when I'm gone.
6. I'm thankful to have the assurance that God is still with me, holding me, even when I'm the one having trouble connecting, not Him.
7. I'm thankful for knee high socks and soft scarves to wrap around my face and neck.
8. I'm thankful for a family who is willing to listen to me talk about my convictions concerning God and that we are in fact free to talk about them.
9. I'm thankful for the ability to feel at all.
10. I'm thankful for the strength to embrace change whether I want it to happen or not.
11. I'm thankful for color, and for smiles, and for tears, and for flowers, and ribbons, and cats, and for paper, and for fabric, and for the way snow looks in the trees, and for crisp air, and for honey, and for the ability to be ridiculous, and for water, and for toothpaste, and for flannel sheets, and for sunshine, and scrambled tofu, and avocados, and the ukulele, and for singing, and sunsets, and for school, and for books, and for prayer.
Thank you for your prayers.
