So, I feel like complaining

In this position there is not something that is actively expected that I do. Yes, I'm supposed to check on dorm workers and help the girls with homework and and talk with them but the rest of the time I'm only 'here' just in case. Is it normal to prefer being overworked? I like having something specific that I'm supposed to do like, 'teach these classes everyday' rather than, 'sit at a desk in case you're needed'. This job is too slow. I don't think I like deaning, but I'll still try to do my best until I move on. The interesting thing though is that the head dean is busy as a bee; but maybe that's just her personality. I like being busy. I like having a task to do.

I'm taking this time to get in shape and exercise more, and I'm doing more reading, but I miss having deadlines. There was a suggestion that I do something in the community with my extra time. Maybe I should talk to some people about what I can do there. I do think that is a good idea and I think I will look into it but the thing is though, if I'm gone doing things for the community every time I'm not on duty, which is quite often, I'm not available for the girls. It's a 'catch 22'.


If I'm busy, I don't have as much time to think. So, maybe I'm only wanting to distract myself from something. Maybe I'm supposed to feel bored and lonely so I can connect with God again, something that I've had trouble with over the last several months. I'm not doubting that God is in my life and knows what He's doing, I'm just having a hard time connecting.

So, now that I've just whined a bunch about how much I don't really like it here at the moment (I say moment, because it could change any minute as my mind does that quite often. My emotions are quite fickle.) I think perhaps I should think about what I'm thankful for. I will shoot for 10.

1. I'm thankful for what Kirsten said the last night I prayed with her: the ability to move. I've taken up exercising regularly again and it makes me feel like I have wings.

2. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about cooking food and that the cook at WA does in fact cook very healthfully. I love vegetables.

3. I'm thankful for the fact that I've come so far in my insecurities. Being in a high-school girls dorm reminds me of how I used to think and feel about myself sometimes and I'm so happy God has helped me grow out of many things.

4. I'm thankful that some of the girls feel that they can be open with me so that I can do my best to help them.

5. I'm thankful for certain friends who are willing and wanting to stay in contact with me while I'm gone. It means the world to me to feel cared about when I'm gone.

6. I'm thankful to have the assurance that God is still with me, holding me, even when I'm the one having trouble connecting, not Him.

7. I'm thankful for knee high socks and soft scarves to wrap around my face and neck.

8. I'm thankful for a family who is willing to listen to me talk about my convictions concerning God and that we are in fact free to talk about them.

9. I'm thankful for the ability to feel at all.

10. I'm thankful for the strength to embrace change whether I want it to happen or not.

11. I'm thankful for color, and for smiles, and for tears, and for flowers, and ribbons, and cats, and for paper, and for fabric, and for the way snow looks in the trees, and for crisp air, and for honey, and for the ability to be ridiculous, and for water, and for toothpaste, and for flannel sheets, and for sunshine, and scrambled tofu, and avocados, and the ukulele, and for singing, and sunsets, and for school, and for books, and for prayer.




Thank you for your prayers.

God can use you to make a difference

During church the sermon was about how we can make a difference to someone without even knowing it. The elder up front shared a story about when he visited a woman in a nursing home several times as a chaplain. She grew sicker and sicker but she would always request that he sing 'amazing grace' to her. That was her song. The short story is that she passed away and her sisters were talking to this elder and thanking him for everything he had done. The one sister recognized the elder even before meeting him. When he asked how, she said that her sister had told them everything about him, even that he wore silver tipped boots that he was wearing that day as well. They said that he had brought their sister back to Jesus, when they and no one also could. She didn't want anything to do with Him, but this elder made a difference and he couldn't believe it.

I know this happened for me in Yap. The biggest example of this occurred to me when I was leaving. Jeanna was so sad I was leaving, she was even a little angry. But then later she told me how much I had meant to her in those few months. See, she was an eighth grader and I didn't even teach her. I had just met her only a week or so ago. But she somehow thought the world of me. I didn't understand why. I think I passed her and a group of girls most days in the morning and I usually tried to be friendly but to her it meant everything. When I left she gave me a stuffed tiger, a devotional book and a note; it read:

Dear Ms. Miller
This is all I have to give you. I hope you like it. And remember what I said? That you made me a more self confident girl? Well your smile did. At first I don't really smile a lot, but when everytime I see you, you always have that smile on your face and I said, 'I want to be like her, like Ms. Miller.' For the last couple of months you somehow changed a part of me by giving me the warmest smile everyday. Thank you. I'll always remember you. And I understand the part that you're leaving. May God bless you always and your family. Hope you'll remember me too. I Love You!! Jeanna P.S. Put a smile on your face, cause you'll never know that you'll change someone's life or brighten up someone's day. Like Ms. Miller did to me...

I had no idea that I was doing this for her. I didn't even know I smiled everyday to her. I know I had many a tired and crabby mornings but apparently it did not show for her. God can use us in ways we never can imagine. We just have to be open to Him and be willing. I think one of the things I can do in the states now at WA is to just be a role model. The girls are going to be watching me because I've made it through what they're going through and I've succeeded. They will see what I've become and perhaps base their own lives on it. I'm different than the other faculty because I'm very close to age in them. I'm still a kid too in many ways and I can reach them in a way that no one can. Even if I'm not aware of it, it can happen. I can be a tool for God to use in their lives.

And even if I feel that I'm not doing much at times, I know that the fact that I can give the head dean a break is a huge thing for her too. She's been worked to death this last semester, and she does not complain. She needed a break and I can give it to her. I thank God that I can help and be of service at least in that way.

I don't really talk about Yap much anymore, but sometimes people still bring it up and it's different. It surprises me because I'm kind of like 'well, I talked about it enough, so why is it being drug up again?' I was comfortable talking about it before pretty well when it was fresh but now I really don't like it. It's interesting how I'm still dealing with it. It's like my brain sealed it all up when I got back and is now slowly releasing it in safe doses so it can be dealt with in a more healthy way than all at once. At each time I deal with another dose, I learn something new. Something is added to my character and I grow yet again in a little way.

If anything, be thankful that you are able to grow in hard times. Don't let them suffocate you but rather realize that you can take those experiences and let God change you through them to be better, to be stronger, to be an example of God's love and power.

Settlling in

I was informed yesterday that the Sophomore class in Yap (my homeroom class) officially has a teacher!! I don’t know all the details yet but a teacher arrived that replaced the eighth grade teacher so that she could be the new permanent science teacher and sophomore homeroom teacher. I’m so elated! :) Please keep Yap in your prayers and also keep Leyah in your prayers as well. She is a sophomore in Yap and her father just past away.

The past weekend Wisconsin Academy had a spiritual retreat at Camp Wakonda. Most of the school went and it seemed to really affect the students in a positive way. This past week was week of prayer and many students gave their testimonies as well.

There are several of the girls who really like to hang out in the office and talk about things bothering them and just normal things happening in their lives. Then there are others who I don’t really see much of. They’re starting to get to know me better which is good.

Many students have been on ‘social’ lately. Social is when two people can not have any contact with each other until the allotted time is over. This usually lasts at least a week. I think the main reason they are put on social is because many of them don’t know where their boundaries should be set. It’s good that they can hopefully learn more about where they should be set while they are here.

The last week has been largely spent preparing for the mother-daughter banquet which will be held this Sunday by girls club. If anything, I know that I'm helping by giving the head dean some time to finally breathe. She's been worked to death the last semester and I'm glad I can alleviate her at least a little. It's been fun.

New Start

I was not able to start at WA as soon as I thought because they wanted me to start when second semester started rather than right after Christmas break. That gave me another two weeks with nothing to do but I was pretty productive by figuring out my class schedule and such for next fall. When people think of a Missionary they think of jungles and heat and different countries. I know that this is silly to think but I wonder if it's going to be as meaningful of an experience now. I halfheartedly even believe that I'm really a missionary anymore. I even wonder why I'm still blogging. Maybe God will teach me something that will wipe that idea from my mind.

After two and a half months I am so ready to do something organized. Of course I haven’t really had a chance get used to things yet but it’s really odd to have so much free time. In Yap I never had free time, ever. Now I have a couple afternoons off and every Wednesday off and then some weekends off and home-leaves and I feel kind of idle. I have many hobbies and things that I could do during these times but it’s been so long since I’ve really had a chance to do these things that I’m sort of at a loss of how to start them. I guess I should stop thinking about it and just do it.

I will miss the responsibility I had in Yap. I am staff here but I’m not in charge really so much and I think it might be easier to sit back and not use what I have. We’ll see what happens. I hope it’s not like that.

I think what I need to do is remember what I learned in Yap. People are pretty much the same everywhere. Just because this is a familiar setting doesn’t make it any less of a place to serve. I need to pray just as hard for God to be the center of what I’m doing. I need to give just as much. I need to trust just as much.

I think one goal that I have is to get to know each girl and talk to them individually on occasion. There were many students in Yap who I didn’t know so much because they kind of blended in and there were so many to get to know. I’m going to make it a point to take interest in each one more specifically.

As a side note I want to share a verse that stuck out to me a couple of weeks ago. I was reading Matthew chapter one and verse 21 says, “And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” The underlined phrase just stands out so strongly for me. He will save His people; we are His people. He will save us. He has saved us. We are saved. We are saved and we now have life! … I just love that.

I will go through the fire if you want me to

Today I felt this sudden onset of homesickness for Yap. Nothing really seemed to trigger it. I started thinking about my home there and the friends I had made. I keep thinking about how God has lead me through some pretty hard times including this one. Just because I’ve made it through the last few things doesn’t mean it’s easy from now on though. I think that God must keep allowing us to go through things to show us something. He wants us to keep growing, to keep learning. I know that there must be some more hard things ahead too. But I think I can handle it. I know with God I can. He’s so great; He’s so awesome. I want to do everything for him. I feel really confused sometimes when I’m not sure what he’s doing, or what I should do. All I can do is trust and ask him to lead my choices.

I really like the lyrics to this one song called, ‘If you want me to’. I would listen to it sometimes when things were really hard in Yap. It made me feel better.



The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way that I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If you want me to

So, I was listening to it again. It’s so true. I’m not who I was, and it’s not easy; and I wouldn’t have chosen it this way, but I’m not alone. If I choose my own way, then I really will be alone. I might have friends and family then too but it’s worth nothing if I can’t claim my loving friend Jesus who has given me everything.

I’ve been having a hard time getting back into a routine and such with God. It’s kind of hard when the rest of your life doesn’t have a routine as well. I’m working on it, and He’s always waiting. I’m looking forward to the things God will do in the next round of hard times. The hard times are what really push us. If everything is always easy things can have a tendency to become stale. They don’t always but I think it’s common. We can praise God for the easy times though because they give us time to catch our breath.

I think sometimes it’s important to not always opt for the easiest option if it’s available. It’s good to take challenging opportunities. We might not think we can do it and maybe we’re right. But by trying we find out what God can do with us. Even if we don’t succeed we can still take the experience and learn. Learning is the most important part. Other people can gain something from what we’ve learned when we share it with them. If I could go back knowing about how things would happen, I'd do it again.

Upon returning, I've started adjusting

So, I’m over jet lag, finally. I helped out at the Academy for about a week so that I could learn some names and become familiar to the students before I start in January. It was great! I talked to the science teacher and he said that I could teach some classes for him sometime. I also got recruited to be the assistant gymnastics coach. I’m super excited about that because I kind of missed being in gymnastics.

My eating habits suffered while I was at the academy though. I started drinking coffee every morning with the head dean and would randomly make a ramen noodles and eat them along with dorm store candy and snacks. I gave in a few times to non-vegan items as well but they were usually things like, a carmel apple pop, and vanilla latte powder rather than things like macaroni and cheese or alfredo sauce… I believe that all of these poor dietary choices have contributed to the adverse health I am now experiencing. Blechgh… I feel awful. I basically have this nagging cough that makes me sound like a dragon that is unable to blow fire but continually attempts at to do so. My sinuses are draining too. Anyway, I think it will be gone very soon because I have places to go.

The over all experience so far from being back has been interesting. Yap feels like this distant memory and all that happened there was just a blip in time. I felt guilty for leaving for a while but realized that it was not something that God was causing me to feel and after asking him to help me get rid of it I did gradually feel much better. I talked to a lot of people about what happened there and it was therapy in itself to talk so much about it.

Over the next month I will be jumping around, visiting family and friends until I start at WA. I’m essentially living out of my suitcase and it’s very uncomfortable because I don’t have a routine. I feel kind of pointless without that routine and am very much looking forward to starting in January. There is hardly any motivation to start anything that I need to do because I won’t be able to finish it right now. I spend a lot of time aimlessly wandering between my kitchen and my computer… that is not a good habit to start.

I will stop complaining now. :)

So, I noticed something interesting when I was visiting WA. About a half of the girls seem to be pre-occupied with sex (and or things related to it) and or putting other classmates down so they feel better about themselves. They are indeed like walking hormones and they don’t know how to handle themselves. I didn’t notice either of these things when I was in Yap. (I did a little but it’s nothing compared to this) I’m wondering if this is just an effect of the American culture or is this normal? I don’t remember it being that bad when I was in high-school, but then again, I was very naïve. A few of the girls started opening up to me and I have a good feeling about next semester. It’s like I’m the big sister of 40 girls. They all think I’m awesome because I’m older than them but not too old, haha.

When I reference people from now on I don’t think I’ll use their names anymore and I won’t be posting pictures of them when referring to them. I think it’s safer that way. There is this one girl that has been telling me a lot but I think she’s making about half of it up. I’m thinking that maybe she believes that in order for people to care about her life it needs to seem like it’s really messed up. I’m hoping she overcomes this.

Home

So, I'm home and recovering from jetlag. I plan on writing a more lengthy blog later and then I'll probably stop for a while. Just a heads up.