A lot has happened this semester. It seems to have started both a long time ago and also a short time ago. It baffles me how time moves faster the older you get; or is it the busier you are? I don’t know. I feel like I could give a full-fledged testimony over just this semester. I’ve learned so much, about things such as God’s will, teaching, how to relate to students, culture, being prepared, and a whole lot about myself.
My first struggle in this class was to figure out how to tell where God was leading and what I should do as a missionary. The notion that God's will is one specific thing that God want's you to do is an idea I dislike very much. It seems so juvenile and limiting to who God is. It's sort of like putting him in a box. I've come t
o understand that God’s will is essentially that we spread His love to the world. I do believe he can lead us though, but I don't think we can completely understand how. I can tell that God has lead me in the past when I look back on my memories, so in this next year I knew that whatever place I chose, I would be used in some way and that I would experience much growing. The big question earlier this semester still perplexed me though, since didn’t want to choose if I couldn’t see which place would give the best experience for everyone involved. Now that I’ve finally made a decision, I think God was somehow leading. Of course anywhere would be good but that almost feels irrelevant now. Where I've decided to go seems to 'fit' somehow. I chose it yes, but I sort of feel like I had help in some way. It's hard to explain because I don't want to say that God told me were to go, because he didn't, and yes anywhere would have proven to be a blessing but... like I said, I can't explain it, but it feels like I was led.I couldn’t see myself teaching before. I started out thinking that I wanted to tutor maybe but teaching was something I didn’t give much thought. So, in order for me to see that it was actually something I would like, I speculate that God had to let me go a round-about way through many ideas all the while knowing that I would end up… teaching. It felt like what I was going through was chaos but now I somehow think it was actually Gods way of showing me somewhere and something I could do to serve him. He knew what he was doing. When I talked with Amanda about teaching she told me that even though I felt like I didn’t know much, I was still very qualified to teach. That was so encouraging. It’s interesting how we don’t realize how much we acquire from getting an education. We are still so submerged in the learning process that we don’t see how much we really know. If my past self could talk to my present self I think she would look up to the future as someone she was proud to soon become. I don’t mean to be proud or vain, but I can tell God is molding my character into a work of art. And I think the past self would approve. Both selves are still the same girl after all, which makes it really interesting. It’s beautiful really, what God does.
So, after realizing that I would be teaching after all, I began to think about my students. They will be between the ages of 14 and 19; high-school aged. I’m honestly a little intimidated but I’m not sure I’d want to teach the lower grades because of apprehensions to be able to relate to the younger students in an effective way. My students will be so close to my age, but so much happens to a person when one graduates and enters the life of young adulthood that I am also assured that I will be able to guide them rather than feel as one of them. I hope to gain their friendship as well as their respect. I missed the specific job training session on teaching so I’m still a little nervous and have a lot of questions about how to teach. I hope I will have a grade-book so I can keep track of everything. I hope to keep order in the classroom and want to be very organized. If those things don’t happen I’m not sure how I’ll keep my sanity. My greatest desire is to instill a passion for God’s creation as well as for learning into the hearts of each student. I have realized this semester how much I like science. I kind of though I liked it well enough to have a job in it, but if I had to teach anything else I don’t think I would be satisfied. Science is astounding to me. I have seen and heard God many times through this medium and I hope to show my students what he has shown me. I wonder if I’ll have any problem students. How will I help them? Will they even appreciate my work to help them succeed? Will they be stubborn? Will I be afraid of them? All these thoughts give me motivation to try my very best for them.
Being aware that I will only have a two hundred dollar stipend has caused me to wonder; how I will manage my expenses? Will I have money left over? Will I use it all, or need more? I like cooking, but will I no longer like it
when I come back? How can I budget
wisely but also get enough nutrition? Life skills will definitely be developed in the coming year. I actually went grocery shopping in the beginning of April with a goal to spend no more than 60 dollars on food for the month and then eat nothing but what I bought. It worked for a week, and then I got depressed because I missed the social interaction in the café so I quit. But, I baked bread, made soup, and rationed out fresh and frozen produce. It is not impossible but is a lot of work. I definitely think I may want to splurge and buy canned beans rather than cook them from scratch. Bread isn’t that much work however. I might want to make my own there, but we’ll see. One concept brought up in class was that of health. I really don’t want to get sick while I’m there. The current plan is to continue a vegan diet. I’m not sure if it will be more difficult or not. I hope to also stay physically fit. This semester I developed a love for running. I hope to continue this hobby when I’m there but am a little worried about having places to do so. All these things are so important and I’m wondering if there will be enough time in the day to stay healthy. There will have to be…I’ve already begun shopping for next year and Sarah gave me some useful advice. She advised that I make sure that what I buy will be what I will actually want to use. I shouldn’t go out and buy clothing that isn’t my style just because it seems to be what would be something people would wear there. I need to think about ways to be myself and also get things that will fit the culture. For instance, swimwear: I need to cover my thighs but I should also find shorts that I feel good about when I wear them rather than ones that work but make me feel self-conscious. That can be hard to do sometimes. As for having enough space in my luggage for everything; well I’m not sure yet. I’m a pretty light packer but I’m sort of afraid I may go overboard. Part of me wants to buy things to give to people while there so I’ll have room in my bags for things to bring back home. I’m a little worried about having enough to pay for all that I will need too. I also have a feeling that I should stop worrying about it though because when I sent out letters, my first one back was for over half the funds I needed for the air fare. That was almost as if God was telling me, “I approve! You’re going to do great, and I’ll help you too!”
This semester has been an eye opener in the area of how I make first impressions. I kind of think God has brought this subject to my attention so I can realize how bad it is and let him change it before I need to deal with a new culture. I have concluded that I am terribly cynical, without reason. When I meet or just see a new person I often pick apart their faults in my mind when in reality I have no idea who they are or what they have gone through! It sickens me when I do this. I pray that God can change this fact so I can be open to accept the people in Yap in entirety. I don’t want there to be any barriers between me and the people. I hope to make some new friends whom I can look forward to seeing in heaven.
We learned about culture shock. I know it will happen, but the unknown parts about it are kind of unnerving. How bad will I get it? I like to think that I’m pretty resilient. I think I’ll be able to bounce back rather well. I have a feeling that I’m going to love it there eventually and will hate to leave. It will be nice to return to friends here. I also have a feeling that I will have trouble adapting to the culture here again. I already feel that I have issues with estern society. How much worse will it be when I come back after seeing how other people live? I can be rather bitter sometimes, wishing I could reject how we do things here. This experience will give me a new perspective. I hope this new look will not cause me to feel alienated for the remainder of my life. That probably won’t happen but the thought still crosses my mind as something to be aware of. Maybe it will give me a heightened ability to pick out people who are truly genuine.
So I leave in about three months and there is so much to do! I’ve started putting together a list of things I need to get before I go. I’m beginning to get nervous. I can tell that I’m starting to disconnect already. Part of it is nice because some things that I would normally worry about are just brushed off because ‘I’m not going to be here next here’ and I jus
t relax. Part of me misses the potential experiences that I would've had though. I’m starting to organize my thoughts and make plans for my students and how I will manage my classes. I’m scared to death of the first month or two. I just want things to be normalized and such. But the adventure before that happens is pulling me away from here; I’m so excited to jump out for God. It’s kind of like bungee jumping. I did that on my eighteenth birthday and it was so much fun. The realization that you are going to have to fall through the air from an extremely high place is really alarming but knowing that it will be entirely exhilarating makes you want to take the leap. Because when you do, even though you get that feeling like your stomach leaves your body,the feeling of complete exuberance and thrill follows it. When you’re back on the ground again you realize that you made it and it was so worth it and things are normal again. I don’t know if that’s a very relevant analogy but I somehow feel like it may be like that.This semester has proven to be one of growth for me. I’m so happy because for a while I felt like I was standing still. I knew that I had growth spurts before but was beginning to wonder if I was beginning to only grow at a snail pace. It’s so good to look back and see a change. It gives assurance that God is in control somehow. He will not leave me; I must remember that when I’m feeling alone. Everything will be alright, and God has a plan.
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