Finally, some peace

So, a lot has been happening. Only four days have passed. I can not get enough sleep and my head hurts most of the time. I’m feeling quite exhausted. I have been really struggling with the decision to stay or leave. My first question was, “how are we going to start teaching again?” Raian, the registrar, said that each person has to decide what they are capable of. Kristen, the first grade teacher, had pretty much made up her mind already, and Olivia was strongly toying with the idea. How could I keep going if three of my apartment mates were gone? They were my support. I felt like I wanted to go home too. I was not sure though.

What would I do if I came home? Would I get a job? Would I go back to school? Almost out of nowhere an idea popped into my head. I knew that Wisconsin Academy might still need an assistant girl’s dean. They never really were able to find one and I think they had to struggle this semester with many people subbing in. I could come and take the place and could help tutor the students in science and my experiences here would be a way to teach the students things about God and I could be there for them. I was very excited about the idea.

I changed my mind again a little later and decided almost one hundred percent that I could not leave. I did not care how I felt. I thought, “My students are more important than what I feel, they are confused about this too. What I want doesn’t matter. I can over come this. I can make it.” I felt this way for about a day.

Then something else happened. I never mentioned the deaning idea to anyone besides the other girls. I received an email from the head girl’s dean at Wisconsin Academy. She said that they needed someone to dean and would love it if I came and took the place if I really did decide to come home. Still I didn’t want to jump at the idea because I felt that I’d be acting on my emotions rather than real sound intellect.

Kristen (not to be confused with Kirsten who just passed) informed us that there were students from other colleges that were volunteering to drop everything and come out here to replace any teachers that needed to leave. What a sacrifice! I thought, “Well this could be an answer to prayer.”

Honestly the first day or two I didn’t really pray. I was just hurting. I didn’t know what to say, or how to ask, or what to ask. But that is why I truly love the verse Romans 8:26. It says, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

God did not plan for this to happen. It was not in his will. It was not his doing. This was Satan’s work, for we are in an ongoing battle here; the greatest Controversy of the ages. God does allow certain things to happen. I cannot say I know why He allowed this to happen. It has been an agonizing few days. I do know, however, that God can work through this to make something good come out of it. It is true that all things can and will work together for good to those who love God.

Yesterday we had a memorial service for Kirsten. The church was packed and overflowing. The whole island is shocked at what has happened and they are mourning with us. Within a few hours the whole island had found out about the incident and everyone I meet offers their apologies to us.

During the memorial a message was presented. It was said like this: We have a hope, for Kirsten knew Jesus. She had a relationship. When our King finally returns and calls all the faithful from the grave she will be there. She will be in that group. If we are also faithful we can know that we will see Kirsten again and will be able to rejoice with her again. She is at peace right now. She is not feeling any pain or sadness. Her soul is on pause in a sense until the last battle has been won. True she is dead, but Ecclesiastes 9:5 tells us along with other references from the Bible that ‘the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing.’ We as believers have this hope.

That night I resolved that I would take a couple weeks to decide what to do. I thought that I should at least try staying here and then make a choice. So, the next morning I talked to the missions chaplain from Andrews University. I explained to him all that I had been feeling. I felt like I have been pressured by many people to stay for my students because I had made a commitment to come here. Many others have been saying that they would understand whatever I decided. I couldn’t think about it anymore. I was and still am just nearly worn out from thinking about this. He talked to me about a lot of things and advised me that he thought I should come home and not wait. It is true that I could stay and I’d make it but it would also mean that I could come back being completely exhausted mentally, spiritually and physically. It would take longer for me to recover from that.

I have a tendency to take on as many things as I possibly can especially when I stressed out. I think I need to learn where my boundaries are. I have limits. I learned that here and should be able to put it to practice. I finally gave in. I let go of my desires to please people. I agreed to come home on the next available flight. I felt this new peace. My students will miss me but they will be fine. They get used to new teachers every year. They love me and I them but me leaving will not end their world. New teachers will come. Instead of making people less likely to come to Yap, this incident has made more people consider coming to Yap. So many have offered to help fill in for teachers that need to leave.

I am one hundred percent sure that I was led here. I know God had a purpose. So many things have gone wrong here this year yet the group of people has been exceptionally close knit and devoted to the purpose here. This thing has happened nevertheless, and now I think that in many of our lives God has rearranged his plans even though this was not his original. I feel that this deaning opportunity is kind of an open door into a new way I can serve. I have learned by being here that people are the same wherever we go. Cultures and languages may differ but at the very core we are all people. Being a missionary does not mean ‘one who goes to a different country’. It means ‘one who is willing to sacrifice self to help others know the love of God.’ I know that I will always have the spirit of a missionary.

I’m coming home either this Wednesday or the next depending on when the flight can be made. Olivia and Kristen are also returning home. This has not totally sunk in yet. Sometimes I feel like I must be over it because I actually feel quite happy but then I crumble apart again for random reasons. Some times over the last few days have not been sad or stressful at all and I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be hard to stay; but I know that once normal life settles in again it will be so hard. The days where I’m crabby and tired and stressed will be extremely difficult. It is then that I think I would begin to break. If I stay where my mind expects to see Kirsten I will be repeatedly reminded of her absence and the ordeal that she had to go through.

We loved Kirsten. She was an amazing person. She was selfless and joyful. She always had a song in her head and would be singing. She sacrificed a lot of her time for each of us. She loved to cook. Most of our supper meals were prepared by her and she loved it. I will miss lying in bed and chatting before we sleep. We would giggle and also share our dreams and hopes. We have all gained something from having known her. She was like the ‘mom’ of our group. She seemed to be the glue. I can still hear her laugh and I can still see her prancing around the apartment on her toes. I look forward to laughing with her again someday.

I’m coming home. I feel some sort of relief.

I will continue the blog. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to leave it because I still would be serving for the rest of the year. It will instead be in a different place. I will still be a volunteer and will receive a small stipend for living expenses. There will be many stories to come I’m sure.

I know that many of you are wondering what exactly happened with Kirsten. If you do not wish to know, then stop reading now. I’ll briefly summarize it and then end.
Apparently there had been a man stalking the school for the last year. The police knew about it but could not arrest him because he never did anything. It is possible that he knew Kirsten’s jogging routine and chose a day to act. Kirsten was found near the road almost in the jungle. Her clothes had been removed and she had several stab wounds. Several of my students had been in the search party. They weren’t actually supposed to go as far as they did without supervision. They did though and the sight of her caused many of them to go into shock. Please pray for them that they are not physiologically scarred for the rest of their lives. The police arrested the man that day and with the help of the FBI were able to come to an almost sure conclusion that it was him. They came many times to ask me questions about Kirsten because I had roomed with her. Finally today it was confirmed that is was indeed this man. He has confessed. I’m not sure at this point where he will be kept.