Fearless leader?

I’m feeling kind of vulnerable. By coming here I have put myself out there to be of service in any way. This means I could be expected to do things that I’m not comfortable with or am not used to doing. I am not used to being expected to lead out in so many things. This week I am supposed to lead the faculty worship. I was also expected to get the chapel service ready for the high-school students. Chapel meets once a week and is a sort of worship program for the kids. Since I am now the high-school administrator/vice principal there are a lot of things that are expected of me.

When there is a problem, the students will come to me first. I also will be expected to be sort of a spokes person to the students whenever the principal can not or does not wish to be there. Today, that is what I did for chapel and I am feeling a little vulnerable because by having that responsibility I have to put myself out there as a leader for the students. I also have to make sure that they listen to me, and I’m not very good at dispensing discipline and tend to look the other way when there is something to be disciplined.

Any faults that I have are open. I can’t hide in any way. I feel that who I am or who I am portrayed to be when I speak out or help them is like a book open for the students and other teachers and principal to see and judge. How I do things may be looked at as the standard and that makes me uncomfortable. It’s very hard. Even though I am doing my best and don’t need to make any excuses for disagreeing to do what is needed, I still feel that what I say is still somehow not what it should be. This may be very confusing… the bottom line is, I’m not used to being look up to like this. I’m being looked up to as someone who should know things.

Jesus lived his life in this way I suppose. He must have felt extremely vulnerable because we all know that people were judging Him all the time. It’s not the judging that is particularly hard though, but the verdict that people come up with. This is because it might not necessarily be completely true and there is no way of knowing if they are correct or not. People keep there judgments to themselves most of the time and if they tell others, you’re probably the last to find out. By loving us Jesus made himself vulnerable. We are free to love him back or not.

I’m no fearless leader anymore but rather a fearful one today. I don’t like coming up with things on the spot, but prefer to be prepared. But in this position I’m expected to be able to get up think of things in the moment. This experience is going to change me, I can tell. I need to get past the point where I’m worried what the students think of me and my decisions. I need to just think of the best thing and follow through with them. They will not dislike me in the long run if I am fair because after all I am a leader and they are not.

Please pray that I can have the knowledge to be fair this year, and that I can overcome the fear of being disliked by students. Discipline is good and many of them need it.